


Skinny

by Froggiestarrock



Category: Milo Murphy's Law
Genre: Anorexia, Eating Disorders, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fainting, Gen, Nosocomephobia, Purging, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Starvation, in a body destroying and over exercising way
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-25
Updated: 2018-07-09
Packaged: 2019-04-07 23:09:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14091732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Froggiestarrock/pseuds/Froggiestarrock
Summary: This is just a vent sort of story in which I place my problems on characters in fictional worlds.A story in which Bradley has anorexia.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter is just an introduction and this story isn't good all together as this is just me getting my feelings out.

"You know, you really should lose weight Bradley,"

I looked up from my plate, still full of cold food in which I had been playing with for a while now.

"Nobody loves a fat boy," my mom muttered before she took a mouthful of food herself, I just lowered my head.

"I know..." I replied back with before sighing, my fork clanking to my plate when I let it go as I stood up, "Can I be excused?"

My father simply glanced up at me before nodding and I quickly dashed to the escape of my room, though I was still trapped in their words in this room of mine. I close the door and head to the tall mirror that leaned against the wall. Still look fat. I sigh as my arms wrap around my body, trying to hide it up. God, I was such a weirdo, what kind of guy thinks of their body like this? It's normally girls that think they're fat constantly, guys shouldn't care! And yet... Aren't all the guy role models skinny and buff? Shouldn't I look like that too? I sigh and lay down on my bed, just staring up at the ceiling before sitting up and grabbing my notebook and pen from my side table. 

Today hadn't been a good day food wise as it is Sunday and I kind of got carried away a bit. A bit too much. I open it up and go to the next clean page and write the date, my weight had already been scaled this morning and had been put below it. I got out my phone to calculate some of the calories of the food I ate before started writing.

Weight: 100 lb  
Goal for the end of the week: 90 lb

Morning:  
Banana - 105 cal  
(5) Strawberries - 20 cal

Afternoon:  
Blueberry muffin - 426 cal  
Apple - 95 cal  
(20) grapes - 69 cal

Evening:  
None

No exercise.

Calories for today: 715

I underline the number multiple times, anger pooling me. I was so messed up, starting least I had this notebook to help me keep on track and point out my mistakes. I've been keeping notes on my food for a month or two now and I've been slowly been eating fewer and fewer calories but I still feel bad about my body so I must eat less and lose more fat. God, I was so mad at myself for binging like a pig today, I'm probably going to gain so more, nobody will love me if I don't get myself together. I don't have a good personality or humor but if I'm skinny and good looking then maybe I would have a chance with somebody, though, is that really why I'm doing this...?


	2. Chapter 2

It was Monday morning and my mind was so fuzzy, school started early and I haven't been able to get to sleep lately so I was exhausted. When I woke up, I lazily got out of bed and walked into the bathroom, stepping on the scale on the tiled floor. I wrote it down before I realized I was late so I had to quickly get dress and rush out the door for the bus, I didn't have time for breakfast, not like I would actually have anything, too much fat. I run all the way from my house to the bus stop, which was 15 minutes, could do good for me.

I got there just as everyone was getting on, thank god, I did not want to miss the bus, my parents scare me enough. I got on the bus a panting mess, oh no, I probably look red and I didn't even brush my hair, people are probably looking. I go and sit next to Mort and as soon he saw me, he started to laugh.

"Oh my god, what happened to you? You look like a sweaty tomato," he commented and I growled at him, very embarrassed on the inside.

"I ran here okay?" I grumbled as I grabbed my phone and clicked on the camera, I needed to look presentable for people so they don't think I'm gross.

"Wow, do you like, want a brush? Your hair is so frizzy," Mort suggested and I just nodded as he reached into his bag for a brush and gave it to me.

"Thanks..." I mumble as I brush my knotty hair in the front camera on my phone, I was so ugly, there were bags under my eyes and my cheeks were flushed red from running full speed.

When I finally made my hair look okay, I gave him his brush back and sighed. Just looking at myself in that camera made me look so ugly, my cheeks bulge, my head was too big, my arms are too big, I could go on and on with everything wrong with me but we got to school before I could finish, though, if I was honest, I could go on forever just listing all my flaws. I got off the bus with all the kids, I felt so tired, like my body had just run a marathon but I hadn't done anything yet. My stomach was empty, I'm going to fast today as I ate so much over the weekend, no big deal.

-

It was now lunch and then I had gym next lesson, two of my least favorite parts of school. Lunch is pretty self-explanatory, just looking at food made me feel sick and gym was pretty bad for me because even though it made me exercise, there were people skinnier than me everywhere and I hated getting changed in the changing rooms because I'm scared that people were looking at my gross body. My first classes weren't good either as my stomach kept on rumbling, causing people to laugh at me, which made me feel pretty bad. 

I sit on my own at one of the tables, doing homework so I don't have to do it at home but then somebody sits next to me. I look over and see Melissa, making my eyes go wide and my cheeks to flush pink, I was not expecting her to be here with somebody like me, my arms instinctively hide my stomach. I give her a small smile as she starts to talk.

"Hey Bradley, do you mind if we sit here? All the other tables are full," Melissa says and I just nod automatic, still just dazed that Melissa of all people wanted to sit next to me.

Then Zack and Milo sat down on the opposite side of the table, of course they were there as well. They're only here because they can't go anywhere else, if there was an empty seat then they wouldn't of gone and sat next to me. I avert my eyes from them and just try to get my homework done until I felt somebody poke my arm. I looked up at Melissa and chuckle at her, she had her tongue out slightly but I didn't stay laughing when she started to talk.

"Hey, where is your lunch?" Melissa asked and my smile instantly fell, my empty stomach becoming more aware of myself.

I just shrug and she leaves it luckily, I noticed that Zack and Melissa were eating their lunch at the table while Milo was missing, probably fighting his lunch off a bunch of birds. I stared at their food, my stomach rumbled, no, I can't, I need to stop eating, it is for the better, nobody loves a fat boy. I had to get out of here, just lie, get away from them, you never even deserved them begin nice to you.

"I've got to go meet somebody, see you later," I mumble as I quickly collect my things and shove them into my bag, that was a lie, I had nowhere to go.

"Oh okay, see you then..." Melissa says sadly but I had no idea why, who would be sad to see that I was leaving but I just walked away, walk away from everything.

My stomach rumbled at me but I was doing the right thing. Maybe Melissa will like me more if I was skinner, maybe things will just be better if I just lost a bit more weight. My body is gross. I was gross. I just want to be perfect...

-

Gym was fine, though I felt like a whale as we did laps around the track, I felt so huge then. I didn't pay attention to most of the lessons, all I could think about was my empty stomach and how great it felt, I liked the pain, the aching feeling that whispers, 'it's working'. When I got home, I was able to convince my parents that I had lots of work to do and I spent all of the evening in my room, not even forced to look at food, it was great. I updated my journal.

Weight: 101 lb (GAINED WEIGHT)  
Goal for the end of the week: 90 lb

Fasting day

Exercise:

(Fast) 15 minute run: 176 cal lost 

1 hour(ish) run: 556 cal lost

Calories lost today: 732 cal

I circled the number with pride, I did good today, especially after yesterday, my stomach rumbled once more, if these are the result I get for just not eating then I should do it all the time. The pain makes me smile, is that why I'm doing this? For the pain?


	3. Chapter 3

It's Thursday and I've been losing weight very slowly as I haven't been fasting like I did on Monday. On Tuesday, I was forced to eat the vegetables on my plate but at least that was healthy. On Wednesday, Melissa gave me a breakfast bar to equal to a lunch and I was too scared to say no, luckily I was okay just eating half of it but it was too much. I'm still only 96 lb, how can I get to 90 lb at the end of the week if it carries on like this, and that is just the minimum weight I want to achieve! I cannot eat again, it's final, liquids maybe to fill me up but nothing else than water, I can't keep this much. 

My stomach has been hurting a lot lately but that must mean it's working finally, I like the pain, it's soothing in a messed up kind of way. I've lost a bit of muscle in my arms and legs and I have gotten more and weaker but it doesn't really bother me anymore. My figure is also a lot more defined, which I really like, my body is getting better, I like it a bit more every day, could be better though, could be thinner.

It was lunchtime and it was just Mort and me sat on the table, I was solving some math problems on a homework that is due next lesson while Mort was eating his lunch, it made me sick as I hadn't eaten anything in so long. I felt my stomach rumbling and Mort saw me looking at his food and chuckled.

"You hungry?" He asks, the question brought disgust itself, I quickly shook my head, "Sure, it's not your stomach has been rumbling every lesson,"

My cheeks flush with embarrassment, people noticed it? Mort, however, kept on talking, "Here, eat something, your body might be quiet then,"

He passed a chocolate bar over to me and I just looked at it, my frown deepening so I say to him, "I'll eat when I get home,"

"Why are you making this such a big deal? It's just a bar," Mort mumbled, not understanding that it just more than that, I couldn't tell him though.

"... how many calories are in it?" I asked and he just shrugged, I wonder how it felt to not be obsessed with these types of things.

His answer however still makes me feel so very hesitant, if I ate it then what would I put in my book, "If you don't know that I won't eat it,"

"Why are you crazy about calories? I thought that's what girls did," Mort replied and I went so red, mostly with anger, the thought infuriated me.

"Just shut up! I'm not crazy!" I yell at him, slamming my hand on the table, drawing the attention of other people around us but I was too mad to care.

"Dude! Calm down! Why are you getting so mad about this?" He asked and I just grumble, why was I getting mad about this, most people are grumpy on an empty stomach.

There was a pause between us as I stared at the bar in front of me. I picked it up and checked the back where the nutritional information was. It didn't say how many calories were in it. I sigh and pull out my food journal from my bag, lately, I've been bringing it to school in case I eat any food here, which I normally don't, even before this got so out of hand.

"What are you doing?" Mort asked me as I started to write down the brand name and other things that were on the bar.

"If I'm going to eat anything, I need to at least know how many calories it is so I'm writing the brand name to research it later," I inform him but never looked at him.

"And what will you do exactly with this 'research'" he says with confusion, I pause and think for a moment, thinking of the pros and cons of telling him.

"Well, you see... Okay, if I tell you, you have to promise not to tell anybody else, or call me you know, crazy," I say slowly, I was shaking, I was terrified.

"O-kay? Dude, you're scaring me right now," Mort says cautiously, I take a deep breath and set the book down flat in front of him.

"Well, heh, yeah, um, I've been kind of measuring everything I've been eating for the past month or two... It's kind of become an obsession," I admit as he flicked through the pages.

"Wow... You do like organization but I don't quite understand where the rest is," Mort says and I peer over his shoulder to see what page he was on.

"What do you mean?" I muttered, his face was unreadable but I knew the base of it was confusion.

"Like, this page says that you only ate like 5 grapes, is it like, each page is each meal or...?" He asks, fear in his eyes and then I realized this was a bad idea.

"No... each page is one day..." I admit and I see his eyes widen before putting his head in his hands, I feel so bad, he thinks I'm a freak.

"God Bradley, how are you even alive? You barely eat anything!" Mort exclaims, clearly very worried about me but there was nothing to be worried about.

"What are you talking about? This is fine, everything is perfect, I feel better this way," I try to reassure him a bit he just wasn't having it.

"Fine? The most food you have had, according to this book, was on Sunday! And even then you were eating dangerously low calories!" He speaks so fast but loud, I had to shush him.

"Mort, please! Be quiet!" I whisper in a yelling tone, fear was running through me.

"Oh my god, this is..." Then Mort put his head in his hands and said something I couldn't understand so I just took the book from him, putting it away.

"Mort please, just stop yelling, it's not a big deal..." I mumble as I look down at the table, trying to cover up my body as much as I could with my arms.

"No Bradley, you don't understand that this is a big deal, you got mad at me for wanting you to eat a chocolate bar, which isn't a big deal," Mort starts.

"I'm making a big deal about the fact that you are Killing your body, I can't believe you never told me that you were anorexic-" Mort said but I stopped him.

"Woah, woah, anorexic? I- I'm not anorexic! I-I don't have anorexia!" I denied quickly, I was way too fat to have anorexia and boys didn't get eating disorders, only girls got those.

"Fine, you don't anorexia but you definitely have a problem, this isn't okay!" Mort's worried voice made me so confused, this was fine, I needed to do this.

"I don't have a problem!" I quickly snapped at him but he didn't seem fazed by it.

"Prove it. Eat the chocolate bar." He says, coldly and my eyes widened as I looked at him before at the table to the bar I had forgotten about.

"I..." I stopped myself and thought it for a while, if I do what he says then maybe he won't tell anyone, it's a crazy thought but just maybe, so I mutter, "...Fine,"

"Thank you..." he mutters as he looks after from me like he was ashamed of me, I sigh as I hold the bar in my hand, shaking once again.

I just look at it, come on Bradley, just eat this one thing and you can just throw it up later. Yeah, that is what I'll do, nobody has to know. I peel off the wrapper and take a bite, my teeth were weak and swallowing it felt like swallowing broken glass but at least Mort thinks I'll stop. But I could never, I've already seen the results of this diet I've got, I look so much better and the feeling of an empty stomach comforted me.

Mort looked at me when I had finished it off and gave me a small smile, I went to go smile back but then I felt a sharp pain in my heart and I felt dizzy, nauseous. I stood up and muttered an excuse to leave, I had to go to the toilets before my body consumed the calories. I rush to the nearest bathroom and hurry to the closest stall, not even checking if anybody was in the same room. 

I fall to my knees with my head over the toilet, forcing my index and middle finger down my throat. I gagged but didn't throw up so I tried again and purge out the food from my stomach and god did it hurt, it burned and I'm sure there was blood in my vomit, my body instantly shaking like crazy. I felt awful but the comforting feeling of knowing that I don't have as many calories helped me through the progress of sickness.

But then there was a knock on the toilet stall, they probably heard me vomiting, god... My shaky legs struggled to hold myself up so I had to lean on the wall to be able to feel stable. I take a deep breath before flushing the vomit away and unlock the door and open it to see, surprisingly, Zack there on the other side, looking worried.

"Hey, you okay? Heard you throw up in there..." Zack asked and I just nodded and walked past him to the sinks, going to wash my hands, especially my fingers where they had been in my throat.

"Just sick, it'll be fine..." I mutter when I saw his face, he didn't really believe me before sighing and running my fingers through my hair.

Then I felt something. I pulled my hand away and saw a clump of hair strands between my fingers. I stare at it, my hair is starting to fall out and get thinner. Zack sees it too and frowns.

"Oh wow, you're really sick, you mean need to see a doctor about that..." Zack suggested but Bradley was just staring at his hand, his eyes dull and blank.

"Yeah, sure... I will..."

-

Weight: 95 lb  
Goal for the end of the week: 90 lb

Morning: None

Afternoon:   
Chocolate bar but I can't find the calories. I threw it up, I don't know how many calories my body still got though...

Evening: STILL FAT FAT FAT

Exercise: None

Calories lost today: I don't know...


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This day is based on a conversation I had with somebody a week ago about my body.

It's 2 weeks later, Wednesday, and things have gotten worse and also better at the same time.

The good news is that I've been losing weight quicker very rapidly, I might my body has realized that I won't give it any fat and cells have collapsed, my body has never looked better. My hip bone appeared first and then my collarbone became more visible, more darken features. My stomach now curved in on itself and my ribs were more visible then they're ever been before. My arms and legs were thinner, the bones in my hands are noticeable. I loved it though.

I loved it so much, the look of my body getting smaller, but it could get thinner, I could be better. I continued to not eat every day but there would be days where I would have no option but to eat something, either being forced or couldn't get out of it and every time I eat, it felt so bad, it made me feel so fat.

Then there was the bad news. After Mort found out about my eating, he would constantly encourage me to eat something, especially things that were full of fats and calories, I sometimes eat them but just throw them up in the toilets, which has caused a lot of anxiety as I don't know exactly how many calories are in my body and has also caused a lot of people to believe I'm really sick when they hear me vomiting.

People were also commenting on my body, how thin it was and that they could see my bones but all I got out of that was that they could see my gross body and that they were trying to be polite by lying, so now I wear baggy sweaters and hoodies, trying to hide my body. I had been adventurous with a pair of short shorts though as my legs were something I liked about myself the most, they were the thinnest part of my body but somebody told me I was too skinny for those which meant people hated my legs so I stopped and I will just stick with baggy jeans.

It's second lesson, gym, and I wasn't looking forward to it as I had been getting changed in the toilets because I was getting so insecure about my body but last lesson, the teacher caught me and I wasn't allowed to go get changed in their anymore. I grumble under my breath as I trudge on into the changing room, settling on a corner in the back. Everyone around me started to get changed but I was still hesitant, if I get changed quickly then maybe people won't see how fat I am.

 

I take a deep breath and quickly take off my hoodie, then my shirt and my second shirt, which I wore on I felt especially bad about my body. Then behind me, I heard a gasp. I don't turn around but I could feel eyes on me and I'm sure I heard whispers behind my back, people were probably talking about how fat I was. I frown, feeling ashamed as I quickly put my gym shirt on, it was a size bigger than my actual size so it luckily covered most of my bumps.

I tried to get my mind off it but I was just so scared of people talking about me. Every whisper I heard were probably about me, people are probably judging me. God, I sound so self-centered. I got changed as quickly as I could and left the changing room before anyone could stop me, I had to get out of there as fast as I could, just being in there made me feel so fat.

When everyone was ready, we headed to the gym and wow, was it freezing but it seemed like I was the only one who fought that way. Today the gym teacher was going on and on about 'proper' dieting and exercise, like any of this was true. Though this lesson was probably going to just be us warming up then he was going to just talk the whole lesson, which was a disappointment. 

Halfway through the warm up, I heard some giggling behind me, it made me feel anxious but I didn't dare look behind me. Then I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around and saw a girl, probably a girl from that group of popular people who were giggling and looking at me. She's probably going to make fun of me but her smile seemed nice enough.

"Hey Bradley," She mumbled, I think her name was Cindy or something, she was part of the popular girls who wore inch long skirts and makeup.

"Hey," I say, I wasn't really bothered about her talking to me, if she was going to bully me, I could at least act like I'm more confident than I will ever be.

"So, why didn't you ever tell anyone that under that hoodie you were hiding this?" She asked and my eyes widen as she grabbed my arm, I was fat and she knew it.

"Excuse me?" I ask, laughing nervously halfway through it, finally stopping my warm up and freezing.

"You're thin! You're like a twig, it's actually pretty cute, how much you weigh?" She asked as she squeezes my arm, she's being sarcastic maybe or playing a trick or a prank on me.

"Um... 81lb?" I say nervously, her eyes widen with surprise, oh no, the number is too big, she knows how big I really am and is going to tell everyone.

"Oh my god, what? You are so light! You weigh less than me! I'm 110 and I'm smaller than you! How do you do it?" She asks, her reply already shocked me, she was tiny, how could she be 110?

"Um... Dieting?" I confess, losing more and more confidence by the second, she was obviously lying to me, she had to be.

"Oh really? Like do you eat like a rabbit or..?" She wondered and I just shrug, the teacher was talking and I really wanted out in this conversation, this was getting too personal.

"Sort of, I just don't eat much to nothing at all, it's efficient, I guess," I trail off, her shocked expression got to me, why does everyone act like that when I tell them?

"Are you being serious?" She says, giving me a look of disgust, it made me feel like I was a freak, the popular girls had a way of doing that.

"Do you want me to not be?" I ask and she just gives me this look before letting go of my arm like I was infected with a contagious disease.

"Wow, I didn't know you like... that. Anyway, good luck with your... Dieting, nice legs by the way," She says with a lot of pauses between her words before she walked off.

I had a bad feeling in my gut as she walked off to her group of friends and they immediately started to whisper, they kept on looking at me over their shoulder. I frown, they were talking about me and my fat legs, I said something wrong, I am wrong. God, I messed up big time, they're probably going to spread rumors about me now...

I tried not to think about it as the teacher continued on with the next part of the lesson. He started to talk about what the body does when you exercise, I didn't really listen after all the lies he has spoken about human biology already. But then I realized that people around me were now checking their pulses on their wrists or necks so I decided to do so too.

"The average heartbeat of a 6 to 15 is 70 to 100 beats per minute when they are resting, so your heartbeats are going to higher as you just did exercise," The teacher informs us, which let to a minute of silence as people checked their heartbeats per minute.

Mine was around 84 beats per minute while everyone else had rates are like above 100. I started to freak out because I could be sick and I had a great fear of going to the doctors. The teacher started to call out kids and ask them what they got for their bpm and that made me freak out more. He called me out and a voice in my head told me I had to lie.

"Bradley?" He asked and I thought for a second before blurting out a number.

"136?" I say like a question but he takes it and lets me go.

He starts to talk to somebody else but my mind had shut off by then, if I was sick then nobody can know, I can do this all on my own!

Weight: 81lb  
Goal for the end of the week: 70lb   
Unrealistic 

Fasting day

Exercise: None

Calories today: Don't know 

So tired all the time...  
I can hear my heartbeat...

STILL FAT FAT FAT


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what it's like at night when you hate yourself

2 in the Morning. It's 2 am and I am awake, lying on my back, looking up at the roof of my room, my head spinning, my heart beating loudly against my ribs. I can't sleep, my stomach pains and rumbling had kept me away from my slumber. I hated being awake, thoughts of hatred were filling my head, like a voice whispering all my flaws in my ear, I couldn't stand it but I knew it was true no matter how much it stings to hear it.

You're so ugly.

Nobody will ever love you.

You're a disgrace.

Fat Fat Fat.

I let out a shaky breath, I can't stand this anymore, I need to do something about these thoughts, I need to fix myself, I need to exercise... I get out of bed, my parents were fast asleep and the walls were thick so they wouldn't be able to hear anything I did. I got down to the ground, I needed to do more exercise this week as I haven't really done much these past months. 

I start to do some sit-ups as I wasn't strong enough to do press ups and that was the first exercise I thought of that I could do on the floor. My body ached and was so tired already but I just kept on going, I wanted to just lose the weight, I just didn't want to feel this way anymore, if I was skinny then I wouldn't feel fat anymore.

My head was spinning and my body felt so weak, but I kept going because even though this hurt, I needed this, I wanted this, I deserve to feel the pain. It's the only way to make the voice stop, I hate it, I hate myself, I hate this feeling. I wish I was skinnier, I wish I was better, I wish I was perfect.

I started to feel faint, my whole body was shaking and I was struggling to do any exercise at all but I kept going, pushing myself. I'm just tired, this feeling will pass. Then all of a sudden, I fell back down to the ground midway through getting up and I was getting too dizzy, my eyes closing from exhaustion.

When I woke up again, a minute had past and I felt awful, my body ached and my head felt weird from laying on the ground for such a while. I sat up, thinking about what had happened. I'm sure it's fine, I might need to drink something though. I stood up, I still felt dizzy and light headed so I sat down on the side of my bed for a while.

I guess exercising is off the table now seeing as that terrified me so much, being unconscious and having no clue what's going on as time passed was a big fear of mine and I think a lot of people. What should I do to burn calories now? The thought bubbled in my mind as I got up and walked quietly to the bathroom. 

I tried to be as quiet as could be, if my parents woke up then I'd be in trouble and that's the last thing I need. I turn the tap on low and cupped some in my hands and splashed it on my face, that woke me up a bit. I was about to get a drink when I remembered what I read online about water giving you more weight.

I stared for a while just at the flowing water before turning the tap off, weighed myself for extra measures (80lb) before walking back to bed, my mind was buzzing but my body was aching and feeling heavy. I couldn't sleep once again so I got up and looked in the mirror for inspiration.

I hated my body, it looked so bloated, big, bubbly. Thoughts of self-hatred simmered in my head, negative words whispering in my ear, they were negative but they were still true none the less.

Everyone thinks you're disgusting

Your body is hideous

You're better off dead

I sigh, my throat sore and dry, my voice croaky and the roof of my mouth hurt a bit for some reason, though, I was just complaining at this point. Why was I doing this to myself? I know it's not healthy but I just can't shake it. Maybe it was because I care so much about what other people think about me.

But what if it wasn't? I could just be doing this for myself, I mean, a lot of this would be better if I didn't have this extra weight. I could go swimming without worrying about people looking at me, clothes would look good on me, people might like me more and I would be happier with myself and the way I look.

I sigh again, I need to sleep, I don't want to be awake, I hate being awake. I walk slowly to the bed, grabbing another blanket on my way, I've been feeling so cold lately. I wrap myself tightly in the blanket and lay on my bed but my eyes couldn't close, I was too awake to fall back asleep yet.

I sigh in defeat as I pull the covers off me, a gush of cold wind swept over my body. I look down, my body looked better when I was laying down due to gravity, you could proper see my ribs. I smile slightly to myself as my fingers played with my bones, I liked to feel them in a messed up sort of way.

After a while of wasting time, I grabbed my phone from the bedside table and scrolled through the thinspo tag on social media, all of it were girls though which kind of made me feel a bit weird about me searching this stuff up like I wasn't allowed because I was a boy.

I tried searching up guy thinspo but didn't find much luck. It was 3:02 now. I wonder if anybody else is awake. I shouldn't bother them though because even if they are awake, they wouldn't want to talk to me. I can't go to sleep my hip bone stands out too much and hurts when I lay on my side so I have to lay on my back from now on.

That thought stayed in my head a bit longer then it should. I was just bones at this point, wasn't I? Shouldn't I just stop? No, this is healthy, I mean, every guy I've seen on tv and magazines has had a flat stomach and all the people who didn't have those were thought of as jokes, I didn't want to be a joke.

Why was I doing this? The thought circled my head as I started to drift to sleep. To feel better about myself? Was I doing it for those kids at school? My parents? My future partner? I have no clue but I do know something. I can't stop, even if I wanted to, which I don't, I'm too far gone to stop.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

It was Thursday, a week later from my last faint, I haven't done any exercise lately because of my fear of going to the doctors. I hate it, I want to hurry the progress along but I can't anymore, the voice in my head tells me to exercise so much but I can't. I now forge fake sick notes so I don't have to go to gym for this reason. 

Lunchtime had come too fast, bringing a powerful feeling of dread, I really couldn't eat anything right now, I feel so bad because I had heard the popular kids whispering about me behind my back in English. I feel so low today that I just didn't want to talk to anyone, not even my friends or people that tolerate me. 

The bad thing was that today was the day that everyone was on the table, it had to be today didn't it? Mort waited for me, I knew he was going to force feed me something, I wish I never told him I was messed up. I sat down next to him, a pit in my gut that just wouldn't go away, Melissa, Zack and Milo on the same table as us. 

They had been sitting with us a couple of times a week when they're not busy, it was a nice thought but brought a lot of anxiety as I hated to be watched while I ate. They were talking among themselves, I didn't bother to listen, my own heartbeat was louder, I couldn't concentrate on anything, I knew I was there but I just didn't feel like I was. 

Mort gave me a side glance, he looked concerned. please don't draw attention to me, please don't draw attention to me, please don't-.

"Are you okay Bradley...?" Mort asked, I could barely hear him like I was underwater but I quickly faked a smile and nodded, it was worse to make them worry.

"Are you sure, you do look a bit sickly..." Melissa noted, drawing the attention of Milo and Zack who shared a glance at each other, all four of them were looking at me.

"And thin, as well," Zack noted, making me glance at Mort, wondering if he had told them but he just shrugged, I then sighed and said.

"I'm fine, just a bit tired, you're just reading too much into it," I hope they bought that excuse as I had a sip from my water bottle. 

I have been drinking way more water and drinks later to cope with my urges to eat. I read about it online when I was having a really bad day and was just about to binge. I drink like a liter or two a day, I don't feel as bad or dizzy now so that's a plus. Zack was about to say something but stopped himself, like he didn't know what he could say to me. I try not to think, there is no point of over-analyzing everything.

But then I realize that everyone is talking to each other but not with words but with their eyes. I know that sounds crazy but you know that thing people do where they look at each other and try to signal the other to say something, that's what's going on right now, they want to say something to me but I guess none of them really knew how. But then Melissa sighed in annoyance and spoke up.

"Look, if no one is going to say it then I will," She said with an irritated tone to the three of them before looking at me and saying.

"Bradley, we are getting really um... Worried about you lately, you have been getting really distant and you haven't really been the same..." Melissa noted.

"Not to mention you've lost a lot of weight in a small amount of time... You look sicker with every day, you look like a skeleton most of the time," Milo added.

"I haven't even seen you eat your own lunch ever either and with all of this we all think that maybe we should... um..." Milo trails off, unable to find the right words.

"We're going to tell an adult, a teacher or something, we can't just stand here and watch as you rot away, this is for your own good," Melissa finishes for him.

"What are you... No, no no No! You can't do this to me! Please don't tell them!" I plead, I don't want anyone to know, how could they know what is best for me?!

"I'm sorry Bradley but-" Zack tried to say but I had enough of them, I have had enough of people talking to me like they know what I need.

"No! You have no right to do this! How do you know what I need? You don't even have physical proof that I have a problem!" I exclaim, raising my voice, my tone slick with anger.

"Milo and I have heard you throw up at least three times, I can see the bones in places where I shouldn't and you constantly belittle yourself and your body," Zack lists.

"Only one of those things are physical and it's a complete exaggeration, you have nothing that can convince me," I argue back to him and he frowns.

"I can't believe you are so blind to what you've become! You eat nothing all day, and if you need evidence then just look at your book!" Zack points out.

My eyes widen, I was speechless, how did he know about my book? Unless... My eyes side glance to the boy aside me who hadn't said anything for all of this, Mort and anger bubbles in me. I can't believe he told them! I look at him with I scowl, he looks a bit scared as I start to nearly shout at him, the cafeteria was so loud that people luckily didn't listen in to our conversation.

"You told them?!" I spit out, standing from my seat a bit, Mort doesn't say anything but he didn't need to, Melissa spoke for him.

"Yeah, he did and I'm really glad that he did because now we can help, Bradley, I know you don't understand this right now but this isn't okay..." She said in a concerned tone.

"I don't want your help!" I scream, slamming my hands on the table before standing up and quickly rushed out of this situation, tears brimming my eyes.

I ignored everything else as I went to the bathroom, which was luckily empty because it was nearly class time, and locked myself in the stall. I sat on the toilet lid and just sobbed painfully, bringing my knees to my face, feeling so trapped. What will happen when they tell a teacher? Will they call my parents? Will I have to go to the hospital? Will I have to be locked up in a mental hospital? I'm so messed up...

They could never understand.

My body shook, my lungs desperately trying to get air into them, I feel like I'm drowning, my bones ached, I couldn't even sit down anymore without them sticking out so much that they dig into the seat. Why do I have to be like this? The voice in my head was so loud but that was normal, whenever I felt down, they would be there, telling things I already know, they're like a friend to me at this point.

Everything was fine, you're doing the right thing.

As my running tears calmed down a bit, I started to think about what Zack, Milo, and Melissa were saying to me before I ran off. How could I blind to myself? I look at myself in the mirror every day, I haven't changed that much. They were just jealous. Yeah! That was it, they were just jealous, that's all that was. But even that conclusion left so many questions unanswered.

They don't know you at all.

I could hear the bell ring from the hallway, but I couldn't move. I didn't want to leave this stall, especially if it means having to talk to them again, the people who were supposed to be my friends. It won't matter if I skip one lesson, I can barely concentrate anyway, my grades have suffered because of this so why bother trying? I curl up tighten into myself and just wished someone would help me, I need help...


	7. Chapter 7

A couple of days have passed since that incident with my 'friends'. It's now Saturday and I've been avoiding them the best I can but that is very hard when they keep on trying to talk to me and text me. I just ignore them, I don't need them, I was fine when I was alone before, why would it be an issue now? 

I don't sit at the table anymore and instead spend my lunch and break in a bathroom stall. I've lost a few more pounds, at least there is one good thing in my life. I'm now 72 pounds, I wasn't able to get to my goal last week, which was 70 but I think that's because I can't fast anymore, it just hurts too much, it was so painful the last time, I can't do that again. 

Which sucks as even though I'm only eating fruits and vegetables, I'm not getting the results I want. Though, as days go by, I'm starting to figure out why people think I'm sick. I will sometimes just black out for a minute or two for no reason if I'm just doing exercise or something, I'm sure it's nothing. 

I'm cold, all the time, I'm constantly in big baggy clothing and layers with a blanket wrapped around me and I'm still cold. I can't sit down or lay down without my bones hurting as they dig into a chair or my bed either. Things that I used to be happy about with my body now looks odd and alien-like. 

My bones stick out so much, my stomach was caved in and I could grab my wrist fully with one hand with extra space, not to mention that my hair was so thin and sparse, I nearly have a bald spot at 13. I looked like I was a skeleton, has it always been like this? Have I really been blind like they said?

What is going on with me? I notice things like the pain in my stomach more and more, I notice every time my belly rumbles and when I lie without even realizing, saying things like 'I'm full' and 'I'll eat later'. Was I really sick? I tried not to think about it, denial had me in a death grip... 

I was just sitting on the couch in the living room, my knees so bony that when they knocked into each other, they clicked. I was just gazing into space when my mom came home, I barely noticed her at all until I felt her hand on my shoulder from behind the couch. I turn around and saw her standing there with groceries bags in her arms. 

I always preferred my mom to my dad despite her commenting on my weight a lot of the time. Though, she looked like she had something on her mind, which scared me.

"Hey, mom, what's up?" I say nervously, every breath like a battle as my lungs nearly collapses on my weak bones, my body so fragile.

"Nothing much, just wondering what you wanted for tea," she said as she walked into the kitchen which was connected to the living room.

"I'm not hungry," I instantly say like a reflex, not even noticing my lie anymore, I hear her chuckle.

"I swear, if I had a dollar for every time you said that..." My mom mumbled, the door was open so I could hear her, that sentence made me feel so uneasy.

"Seriously though, what do you want?" She added, walking back into the living room without the bags now, leaning on the back of the couch where I was.

"I don't really want anything, though, I could do with some fruit," I say, a sharp pain went through my stomach and my chest, begging for food.

"Oh yeah, you're still on that health kick thing, aren't you?" My mom laughs out, making me feel really bad about myself, I just nod in agreement.

"You can't have fruit for dinner Bradley," She added before sat down next to me, "Come on, how about we get a takeaway? Haven't had one of those in a while,"

"A takeaway?" I mumble out nervously, my stomach rumbling at that, I can't have a takeaway, they don't tell you the calories most of the time!

"Yeah, I can't be bothered to cook right now, so how about it?" My mom asked, getting her phone from her pocket but I was panicking.

"I-I don't know... I really don't want anything to eat, I'm on a... diet," I mumble out the last part, not sure what to call the thing I do.

"A diet? Is that why you don't have tea with us anymore?" She asked, giving me a look and I wordlessly nod, wanting so badly to get out of this situation.

"Geez Bradley, what am I going to do with you?" My mom muttered in her hands as she placed her face in them, what did that even mean?

"You don't even know what a real diet is, you're just a kid, you probably eat junk all the time when I'm not looking," She laughed out. 

I know she was just joking but it really hurt. I wrapped my arms around my body, feeling so awful and big. My mom doesn't notice though, she never notices. I sigh as she turns on the TV, there was no way of getting any attention from her now. 

I felt like I could feel and hear my heart beat all the time, my head hurts so much constantly, I can't even concentrate on my hands in front of me, it's like I'm not even here anymore... I excuse myself and go to the kitchen to fill my water bottle up, maybe some water will help. 

As the kitchen tap began to run and I went to put my bottle under the tap, I suddenly felt lightheaded and came crashing to the floor, knocking stuff over as I fell. When I opened my eyes, I see my mom in tears as she leans over me, it made my heart ache at the sight.

"Bradley, you're awake!" My mom cries out as I sit up and rub at the sore part of my head, did I really faint again?

"I was so worried, you just suddenly fell and I didn't know what to do, I was just going to call 911," She says as she wipes her tears.

"No, y-you don't need to do that, I'm fine mom, everything is fine, I'm awake right?" I say, panicking at the thought of calling 911.

"Yeah, I guess so, what even happened? How do you feel?" My mom asks, she must be very concerned for me if she is acting like this.

"I feel fine, I'm probably just really tired or I stood up too fast, I don't know," I mumble out as I stood up, leaning against the counter.

"Do you need anything? Water? Some food?" My mom asked me but I just shook my head, god did it ache right now.

"Are you sure? Cause I can still dial 911 for y-" My mom began to say as she reached for her phone but I reacted quickly.

"No! Mom, I said I'm fine, just leave me alone!" I grumbled out as she looked taken aback but took a step back either way.

"Oh... Oh okay, you're right, I'll just be um..." She trailed off as she walked out of the kitchen and into the living room, looking a bit upset.

I sigh and look at the counter behind me, which was only slightly away from my head when I fainted. I could have hit that counter and then I would have been in serious trouble then. I look over to the living room where my mom sat there, head low and that made my heart ache. I felt really bad for doing that, she didn't deserve that... 

You had to do this, she was going to force you into a hospital.

It's better if she hates you so she won't try to "help" you.

I'm the only one you need.

I pick up my water bottle from the floor and clean it off before filling it up with water to snack on for the rest of the day. I escape to my room and lay on my bed, my bones digging into the mattress so I had to fill the bed with layers of blankets and cushions just so then it won't hurt so badly.

I pick up my phone from my side table and open it up to see that I had a message from Mort waiting for me. I knew I should have just ignored it but I had to at least check it out. The message read.

Mort: Please listen to me. We miss you, Bradley, I miss talking to you and hanging out with you, all of us do. I know you're going through a rough time but please just talk to us. It'll be just like what it was before, we don't have to talk about what happened either, just please talk to us. We miss you.

Don't you even dare answer him!

You don't need him!

Just ignore it! Ignore it! Ignore it! Ignore it!

Bradley: Hey... I'm sorry for just leaving you all like that, I just freaked out, you know? I'd like to hang out, I honestly really missed you guys as well...

You god damn idiot...

I sigh to myself and laid down on my bed, feeling a bit dizzy again. Lately, I've been fainting once to three times a day depending on what I'm doing, I know it's not good but it's only for a minute so I should be fine. All I have to do is lay down or if I'm at school, go to the toilets and pass out in one of the stalls there, and I feel better.

My phone buzzes on my bed where it had been thrown in frustration to myself as I picked it up and say that Mort had replied.

Mort: Oh! You answered! Hey! We're really sorry for what happened, we put too much pressure on you, I hope you're okay now, we'd like to hang out as well with you. How about Sunday?

Bradley: I don't know, I'm not feeling the greatest right now...

Mort: What happened? Are you okay?

Bradley: Yeah, I'm fine, don't worry about it, I'm just feeling a bit faint.

Mort: Faint? Are you sat down? I hope you're okay, that doesn't sound good, considering your circumstances.

Bradley: My circumstances? What the hell does that mean?

Mort: Nevermind, it doesn't matter

Bradley: Whatever, I've got to go.

I shut my phone off before Mort could reply, it was such a bad idea to talk with him, he probably thinks I'm a weirdo. What have I gotten myself into to?


End file.
